Rereading Divergent
by dauntlessthroughandthrough
Summary: Tris, Tobias, Peter, Caleb, Christina, Uriah, and Cara have just reached the bureau outside the fence when Caleb tells Tris about the books Matthew gave him that are all about her starting from the beginning of Divergent. Tris decides to read the first book, so enjoy this story about the whole crew reliving divergent from Tris' perspective.
1. Chapter 1

We all happen to be in our room at the same time because there isn't much else to be done. Everyone is occupied with something and silent, so the only sound that fills the room at the moment is my thoughts. I sit near Tobias. I've been craving his closeness more than ever in light of recent events involving my mother's past. _No one_ inside the fence ever knew who she really was. I wish she was here so much right now that it physically hurts me. I can't even bear to call to mind a single memory of her without tears stinging the back of my eyes. It reminds me of the thoughts I would have when I tried to sleep at night during my first few days as an initiate in Dauntless. When I would hear Al's sobs that could not be muffled by any pillow. The very Al that jumped right into the chasm without the slightest idea that outside the fence was an entire other world. I still can't wrap my head around the sheer _size_ of this country or even more dumbfounding, the fact that my whole life was based on lie piled upon lie. Whatever the faction system was, it was all I knew.

Quiet time like this allows my thought to run rampant, and the bureau is usually not very loud. One thing I will miss about the Dauntless compound is that it was always filled with people and noise that I could use to distract myself from my thoughts. My sterile, white cell at Erudite was so utterly silent that I could usually hear my own heartbeat. The memory sends a shiver down my spine. Caleb, who I've deliberately been avoiding since I spared his life, has the same effect. The question of whether or not to hand over the file Matthew gave me about my mother to him has been weighing on my mind for a few days now. I've come to the conclusion that he deserves to know, and resolved that I will give it to him as soon as I can muster the will. I bury my head deeper in the hollow under Tobias' neck as he makes small circles on my back, and look around the room. I realize that not everyone is here. Caleb's bunk is empty. It's as if just the thought is what makes him materialize because he appears in the doorway at that moment. I can feel Tobias' muscles stiffen slightly and his arm wrapping around my side instinctively. Caleb has something in his hand that looks similar to the file Matthew gave me about my mother. Has Matthew given him one as well? Has he already read it? Will he be upset with me for not sharing the information with him? When he speaks, though, he does not sound angry or confused. His tone is urgent.

"Beatrice, you have to see this right now." he states, enunciating each word carefully so that each one weighs a ton. Does he think I don't know about my mother's past yet?

Christina is first to respond. "What's oh-so important?" she asks slightly incredulously.

"Is that a virtual file?" questions Cara. Always an Erudite.

"Yes, it is, Cara. I was just in the lab watching the monitors when Matthew gave me this and instructed me to find you and give this to you as soon as possible. It's…well it's…" Caleb tries to say.

"Well what is it?" asks Peter, sounding almost bored. By this point, I am curious as well. Caleb and I have barely spoken directly to each other in months.

"Well Beatrice, it's your story. It chronicles the events your life and every thought you've had from the day of the aptitude tests up until the release of Amanda Ritter's video." Caleb says all in a rush. He looks down at his shoes when he finishes, and he can't hide the shame, remorse, and pain that swim across his features in that instant. I am frozen in Tobias's arms. I cannot move a muscle or even think complete or rational thoughts. An image of the old, factionless man with the grey pit in the side of his molar who I encountered the day of aptitude test comes to mind. My blood sizzling on the coals. Jumping into the Dauntless compound. A knife whizzing past my ear. Hanging over the chasm in the middle of the night with Peter's hands on me. Al's dead body being hauled up from the bottom of the chasm. That long moment in the hallway with Tobias afterward. My first kiss. More and more images come and I'm so overwhelmed that I don't hear Tobias' voice.

"Tris! Tris!". Someone is shaking my arm. When I come to there are 6 faces trained on me. I spring to my feet.

" How does the bureau have my thoughts?" I burst out. I feel like a lab rat now more than any of the time I've been outside the fence.

"You are divergent. The bureau kept tabs on all of the divergent, and they had the technology to monitor your thoughts. Matthew thought some of the information in these books might be helpful to save Chicago because of the major role you played in the war." Caleb says without looking me in the eye. He also tells me that the decision of whether to read the books is entirely up to me, but they could have information I may have forgotten or think is insignificant. I have faced so many new challenges over the past few days and now I am being asked to relive my old ones. Though everyone mumbles reassurance that the decision is mine, I know it is not. I will do anything to help save Chicago from its desperate state.

"We should read it." I say calmly. When Tobias does not even ask if I'm sure, I know this is the right decision because he would do the same thing if he were in my place. When no one says anything to acknowledge my proposal, I simply walk over to the spot Caleb is standing and grab the virtual file from his hand. Everyone is on their feet in a sort of semicircle throwing sideways glances at each other, lips pressed tightly together because they know they are all in these books and so are those who haven't made it this far. I walk back over to Tobias and sit down on the floor to open up the file. He is the first one to sit down next to me and then Christina, Uriah, Cara, Caleb, and Peter follow suit. "Here we go." I think.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews I got last chapter. This is my first fanfic, so I'm still figuring this whole thing out. I hope you like this chapter, and you all feel like I've stayed true to the characters. Everything in italics is the actual book, and the rest is mine. **_

_There is one mirror in my house. It is behind a sliding panel in the hallway upstairs. Our faction allows me to stand in front of it on the second day of every third month, the day my mother cuts my hair._

When I glance up from the book and scan the circle I notice that not even Peter remarks about the insignificance of this event that has become too painful to think about. I remember it so clearly. This memory represents everything my life was before I choose Dauntless, or even before I left Chicago. Before I became Tris Prior.

_I sit on the stool and my mother stands behind me with the scissors, trimming. The strands fall on the floor in a dull, blond ring. When she finishes, she pulls my hair away from my face and twists it into a knot. I note how calm she looks and how focused she is. She is well-practiced in the art of losing herself._

She was probably so good at that because she had so much to hide. I look over at Caleb and see that he looks slightly uncomfortable, and somewhat sad. This is only the beginning, and if he can't handle this, how will we even get through what's coming?

_I can't say the same of myself. _

I still can't.

_I sneak a look at my reflection when she isn't paying attention—not for the sake of vanity, but out of curiosity. A lot can happen to a person's appearance in three months. In my reflection, I see a narrow face, wide, round eyes, and a long, thin nose—I still look like a little girl, though sometime in the last few months I turned sixteen. _

My face turns scarlet at my own confession about my looks and the fact that I was so young, not in years but in my mindset. Christina's mouth quirks up at the corner and Tobias is shaking his head and grinning. I look at the floor in an attempt to hide my blush.

"Definitely not a little girl," remarks Uriah with the same smirk as Christina.

"_Anyway_," I cut in, brandishing the file "Let's just get back to the story."

_The other factions celebrate birthdays, but we don't. It would be self-indulgent. _

"_There," she says when she pins the knot in place. Her eyes catch mine in the mirror. It is too late to look away, but instead of scolding me, she smiles at our reflection. I frown a little. Why doesn't she reprimand me for staring at myself? _

"_So today is the day," she says. _

"_Yes," I reply. _

"_Are you nervous?" _

I am transported back to that moment and I can feel some of the anxiety I could not control that day swim back into my stomach for no reason. The aptitude tests.

"Who wasn't?" Christina asks. She is probably having a similar feeling to mine, especially since we were transfers at least partly because of our aptitude tests.

"I wasn't." states Peter proudly.

"Psychos usually don't feel genuine human emotions." Christina snaps. Suddenly a question pops into my head that I have wanted to ask since Caleb let his blood drip into the Erudite bowl on the day of the choosing ceremony, but have never had the chance.

"Were you nervous, Caleb, or had you known you were really an Erudite for years?" I question, looking my brother directly in the eye. His betrayal started then. Before he can answer, Cara interrupts.

"Technically none of us belong to a faction anymore, Tris." She says gently. I ignore her and keep my gaze fixed on Caleb, waiting for an answer.

"Be-Tris…I would be lying if I told you I had not known I was going to choose Erudite before that day. I had known for quite a while, but that didn't make my decision any easier. It was just as hard for me as it was for you to leave your family and everything you knew behind. It was worse for me because I knew how Abnegation and our father felt about the Erudite." He tells me.

Caleb's mention of my father makes me furious for a reason I can't identify right away, and I'm on my feet. "Don't you _dare_ bring our father into this." I hiss. The next words that come out of my mouth leave my lips before I can do anything and I immediately wish I could take them back. "Some of the last words he said to me were his thanks for protecting you, not letting you go up to the control room. I protected you instead of him and your thanks are to hand me over to Jeanine?" I have erupted and the lava has spewed far beyond my control. I am panting heavily when I finish and when my breaths finally slow down I recognize the stunned expressions on the faces of those around me. I storm out of the dorm and slam the door behind me, in frustration, in anger, not just at Caleb, but at the dead Jeanine Matthews, at the people at the bureau who sat by and watched during the attacks, and most of all at myself.

The only person who I could possibly want to talk to about this appears in the hallway. I brace my back against the wall and slide down onto the floor. Tobias, my Tobias. He looks down at me with a hint of something I don't recognize, and wait for me to speak.

"I know it was wrong of me to say that, and completely unfair. I wish I could take it back." I admit.

"Tris, you don't have to apologize for how you feel. You have the right to be angry with him. I'm still angry with him." He sinks down next to me and pulls me onto his lap. I feel him peppering the top of my head with kisses, and it makes me feel somewhat better, but not much because I know I will eventually have to go back in the dorm and face Caleb. Right now, though, I just want to sit in the hallway with Tobias and be close to him because I love him and because he understands betrayal better than anyone. His hand slides down my arm. I lean back into him. Our hands find each other and intertwine. I feel a more subdued version of the electricity that zips through my veins every time our skin touches. The sound of his heartbeat, strong and steady and still there, calms me down the most though.

"I love you." He whispers.

"I love you." I whisper back.

After what seems like not long enough I tell Tobias I am ready to go back in, even if I don't feel ready. I will have to face Caleb and everyone else sooner or later, and I might as well do it now. When I enter the room, everyone snaps to attention and looks at me uncertainly.

"Is your outburst over already?" taunts Peter. "I was hoping for a full-on meltdown." I walk right past him because he is not what I need to focus on right now, and sit down directly in front of Caleb. He looks up and stares into my eyes with such sorrow that if I had still been so angry, all my resolve may have broken. I know he is remorseful.

"I'm sorry for my reaction. Forgiveness is a long process and I had a setback. I shouldn't have said what I said." I say.

"What you said is true, though. I don't deserve forgiveness." He replies.

"Caleb, I mean it when I say you can't think that way. Don't think about what I said or we'll never get anywhere. Believe me." I have not quite forgiven him, but I need him to know that I don't really think he is some kind of monster. Caleb nods his head unconvincingly.

"Should we get on with it then?" asks Cara.

"Sure." Is the only response I can come up with, so Tobias and I resume our places on the floor and I continue reading.

_I stare into my own eyes for a moment. Today is the day of the aptitude test that will show me which of the five factions I belong in. And tomorrow, at the Choosing Ceremony, I will decide on a faction; I will decide the rest of my life; I will decide to stay with my family or abandon them. _

"_No," I say. "The tests don't have to change our choices." _

"_Right." She smiles. "Let's go eat breakfast." _

"_Thank you. For cutting my hair."_

_She kisses my cheek and slides the panel over the mirror. I think my mother could be beautiful, in a different world. Her body is thin beneath the gray robe. She has high cheekbones and long eyelashes, and when she lets her hair down at night, it hangs in waves over her shoulders. But she must hide that beauty in Abnegation. _

My mother would never approve of my actions. She was everything a person should be and still so beautiful. I love her so much.

_We walk together to the kitchen. On these mornings when my brother makes breakfast, and my father's hand skims my hair as he reads the newspaper, and my mother hums as she clears the table—it is on these mornings that I feel guiltiest for wanting to leave them._

"I felt the same way." Caleb says so silently I almost can't make out his words.

_The bus stinks of exhaust. Every time it hits a patch of uneven pavement, it jostles me from side to side, even though I'm gripping the seat to keep myself still._

_My older brother, Caleb, stands in the aisle, holding a railing above his head to keep himself steady. We don't look alike. He has my father's dark hair and hooked nose and my mother's green eyes and dimpled cheeks. When he was younger, that collection of features looked strange, but now it suits him. If he wasn't Abnegation, I'm sure the girls at school would stare at him. _

Everyone in the group looks over at Caleb as if to check if my description is accurate.

_He also inherited my mother's talent for selflessness. He gave his seat to a surly Candor man on the bus without a second thought. _

Caleb looks uncomfortable.

_The Candor man wears a black suit with a white tie—Candor standard uniform. Their faction values honesty and sees the truth as black and white, so that is what they wear. _

"The truth is never really black and white." mumbles Christina.

_The gaps between the buildings narrow and the roads are smoother as we near the heart of the city. The building that was once called the Sears Tower—we call it the Hub —emerges from the fog, a black pillar in the skyline. The bus passes under the elevated tracks. I have never been on a train, though they never stop running and there are tracks everywhere. Only the Dauntless ride them. _

Uriah gives a small whoop and most of us laugh at how he can make light of a situation even at moments like this.

_Five years ago, volunteer construction workers from Abnegation repaved some of the roads. They started in the middle of the city and worked their way outward until they ran out of materials. The roads where I live are still cracked and patchy, and it's not safe to drive on them. We don't have a car anyway. _

_Caleb's expression is placid as the bus sways and jolts on the road. The gray robe falls from his arm as he clutches a pole for balance. I can tell by the constant shift of his eyes that he is watching the people around us—striving to see only them and to forget himself. Candor values honesty, but our faction, Abnegation, values selflessness. _

I was wrong before. Caleb looks _very _uncomfortable. He is scratching at the back of his neck and there are red blotches forming at the base of his neck.

_The bus stops in front of the school and I get up, scooting past the Candor man. I grab Caleb's arm as I stumble over the man's shoes. My slacks are too long, and I've never been that graceful. _

This comment earns me a few snickers from around the room.

_The Upper Levels building is the oldest of the three schools in the city: Lower Levels, Mid-Levels, and Upper Levels. Like all the other buildings around it, it is made of glass and steel. In front of it is a large metal sculpture that the Dauntless climb after school, daring each other to go higher and higher. Last year I watched one of them fall and break her leg. I was the one who ran to get the nurse. _

"_Aptitude tests today," I say. Caleb is not quite a year older than I am, so we are in the same year at school._

_He nods as we pass through the front doors. My muscles tighten the second we walk in. The atmosphere feels hungry, like every sixteen-year-old is trying to devour as much as he can get of this last day. It is likely that we will not walk these halls again after the Choosing Ceremony—once we choose, our new factions will be responsible for finishing our education._

_Our classes are cut in half today, so we will attend all of them before the aptitude tests, which take place after lunch. My heart rate is already elevated._

_ "You aren't at all worried about what they'll tell you?" I ask Caleb. _

_We pause at the split in the hallway where he will go one way, toward Advanced Math, and I will go the other, toward Faction History. _

"I should've known you'd pick Erudite then." I joke

Cara becomes defensive. "There is nothing wrong with advanced math!"

"No of course not, if you're a nerd." Peter says, nodding toward the two former Erudites. He cracks a smile and even I let out a little laugh. Who knew Peter could be the one to lighten the mood?

_He raises an eyebrow at me. "Are you?" _

_I could tell him I've been worried for weeks about what the aptitude test will tell me —Abnegation, Candor, Erudite, Amity, or Dauntless? _

"I wonder which one she picked." Says Tobias sarcastically.

_Instead I smile and say, "Not really." _

"Tris you are possibly the worst liar ever." Christina announces.

_He smiles back. "Well…have a good day." _

"Apparently your brother might have you beat in that category." She chimes in again. Everyone laughs, even if their hearts really aren't in it like mine.

_I walk toward Faction History, chewing on my lower lip. He never answered my question. _

_The hallways are cramped, though the light coming through the windows creates the illusion of space; they are one of the only places where the factions mix, at our age. Today the crowd has a new kind of energy, a last day mania. _

_A girl with long curly hair shouts "Hey!" next to my ear, waving at a distant friend. A jacket sleeve smacks me on the cheek. Then an Erudite boy in a blue sweater shoves me. I lose my balance and fall hard on the ground. _

"Kind of sounds like an ass to me." Observes Uriah.

"_Out of my way, Stiff," he snaps, and continues down the hallway. _

"Um yes." I say to Uriah.

_My cheeks warm. I get up and dust myself off. A few people stopped when I fell, but none of them offered to help me. Their eyes follow me to the edge of the hallway. This sort of thing has been happening to others in my faction for months now—the Erudite have been releasing antagonistic reports about Abnegation, and it has begun to affect the way we relate at school. The gray clothes, the plain hairstyle, and the unassuming demeanor of my faction are supposed to make it easier for me to forget myself, and easier for everyone else to forget me too. But now they make me a target. _

"Of course that was only the beginning. Soon the Abnegation became actual targets." Tobias remarks dryly with a clenched jaw. I acknowledge him with a look of understanding and stroke his arm until I feel like he is a bit calmer.

_I pause by a window in the E Wing and wait for the Dauntless to arrive. I do this every morning. At exactly 7:25, the Dauntless prove their bravery by jumping from a moving train. _

I catch the twitch at the corner of Tobias' mouth and the sad smile Uriah wears. He is probably remembering the mornings when he would do this.

_My father calls the Dauntless "hellions." They are pierced, tattooed, and black-clothed. Their primary purpose is to guard the fence that surrounds our city. From what, I don't know. _

These words cause me to falter in my reading because now I do know what we were guarding the fence from. Everyone around me is reflective and solemn, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else in the room.

_They should perplex me. I should wonder what courage—which is the virtue they most value—has to do with a metal ring through your nostril. Instead my eyes cling to them wherever they go. _

Peter snorts, but again I shut out his instigations because that is the last thing I need right now.

_The train whistle blares, the sound resonating in my chest. The light fixed to the front of the train clicks on and off as the train hurtles past the school, squealing on iron rails. And as the last few cars pass, a mass exodus of young men and women in dark clothing hurl themselves from the moving cars, some dropping and rolling, others stumbling a few steps before regaining their balance. One of the boys wraps his arm around a girl's shoulders, laughing. _

_Watching them is a foolish practice. I turn away from the window and press through the crowd to the Faction History classroom._

"I did it too sometimes," Christina admits.

I smile. "Well, that's the end of the first chapter anyway. Does anyone want to read?" I hold up the book.

"I will." Christina says with a mischievous glint in her chocolate eyes. I can't help but wonder what the next chapter will reveal about me.


End file.
